I hate this time of the year, although probably not as much as my birthday. I decorate and bake my little heart out but it all feels hollow and somewhat desperate. There’s always something missing. Maybe it’s the innocence of youth and the awe that I had back then. And the fact that the big family Christmas died out when my Dad died. I have decorated ad nauseum and have got 8 sets of solar lights blinking their little hearts out. I’ve even hung a set of lights outside my own window to cheer myself up. Ma has two sets which she loves to watch out her window of a night.
I realise this could be my last Christmas with Ma at home (not that it’s home to her) or even her knowing who I am for that matter. Who knows? So, the race is on to make it a memorable one. Unfortunately Ma started fixating on the ham back in November until I let her buy one, or let us say choose one, last week. The sucker is 6kg (OMG, there is two of us) and was the first one she saw. I just gave up and bought it…
Unfortunately with the ham out of the way she has moved on to the triffle. Luckily I could use the very real excuse of ingredients expiring before Christmas. Not to mention the fact that she wants to make the triffle now! I have to keep on pointing out that Christmas is still a ‘little’ way off. I try and go through the different recipes with her to distract her. Not sure how long I’ll get away with it though. The thing that worries me is what she will move onto next…
I can s
ee her short term memory moving further out of reach. Appointments are repeated several times a day as are any other ‘important’ occurrences. She is getting less bothered about ‘stuff’. Getting opinions and ideas from her is hard work. I sometimes wonder whether I should still bother… but I do.
So at the moment Christmas is high on her agenda. Old recipes have slipped out of her memory but we have back-ups. Things are harder for her now. She is moving further away. My patience is sometimes stretched to the limit and beyond. We will continue and I will try to make sure that this is a Christmas to remember. Albeit a bittersweet one.
aged carer experience 